life coaching

Shifting the focus from the Narcissist, to YOU

Narcissism has become a hot topic today. Growing up, we rarely heard the word, but now, thanks to the endless scroll of social media, it’s everywhere. Everyone seems to know – or claim to know – a narcissist.

While this increased awareness has its advantages, it has also led to misuse. We’ve started using “narcissist” as a label for anyone who disagrees with us or challenges our views. Ironically, even textbook narcissists accuse others of narcissism when things don’t go their way. Sound familiar?

Let’s get real – first, by acknowledging that as humans, we all have the potential to be toxic. We all exist somewhere on the toxicity scale. At times, we react in ways we’re not proud of. But when the heat of the moment fades, self-reflection kicks in. We recognise our mistakes, feel the weight of our actions and make amends.

And there’s your difference! The ability to self-reflect and course-correct.

SPOTTING A NARCISSIST

A narcissist’s defining trait is their inability – or outright refusal – to accept that they may be wrong. They have an uncanny ability to twist reality, turning every situation around until you’re the one who seems like the problem – every single time.

Another key trait is their mastery of manipulation – especially in how they pit people against each other. By keeping their family or social structure in a constant state of imbalance and guilt, they ensure they always remain in control.

Watch closely and you’ll see it happening. One family member is casually praised in front of a gathering -but always juuuuuust within earshot of the other. “You know, my other daughter is incredible – she always knows exactly what to do.” Said innocently enough. No direct comparison. No outright criticism. It’s genius, actually. Any reaction from you and you come across as petty and confrontational. Either way, the narcissist wins. So you allow the message to land. And the seed of doubt is planted.

The narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing. And they know you’ll feel it.

They are also expert storytellers of their own victimhood. If you step back and question their version of events, you’ll often find gaping holes in the narrative based on your own experience. But when you’re wrapped up in their web of half-truths and emotional distortions, it’s easy to be swayed.

Perhaps the most defining trait, though, is this:

As a photographer, when I want to emphasise a subject, I create a shallow depth of field – keeping the subject sharp while everything else fades into a blur. Narcissists operate the exact same way. Their depth of field is always shallow, and the only thing in clear focus? Themselves.

Unless your needs directly serve theirs, you’ll always remain in the background – blurred, unnoticed, insignificant. And if you dare to come into focus, to assert your presence? That threatens their carefully crafted world—and that is simply unacceptable.

WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU

In my work with people, I’ve noticed two distinct responses to narcissistic relationships:

1. The Fighters: These individuals are locked in a constant battle – angry, resentful, always trying to make the narcissist see reason. But over time, the fight takes its toll. Beneath the anger is a deep, aching pain of never being truly seen or heard.
2. The Conformers: These individuals comply, not out of love, but for a reward – is it validation? finances? or the illusion of peace. They lose more than just their self esteem in the process though, they lose themselves. When I ask, “Who are you? What do you love?” there’s often silence. They’ve spent so long shaping their identity around the narcissist that they’ve forgotten their own.

Eventually though, both paths lead to the same place: losing yourself. The real question is, how long before you reclaim who you are? How long will you stay a blur in someone else’s frame?

So, is there really a way to deal with narcissists?
The obvious answer is to cut them out of your life. But what if this person is a parent, spouse, the dreaded mother-in-law or boss? Walking away isn’t always immediately practical.

So if you find yourself trapped, here are some ways to work through it:

1. ADJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Dealing with a narcissist is like walking through a bog – what we call “dal-dal” (दलदल) in Hindi. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. The key is to adjust your expectations. Accept that nothing you do – unless it serves the narcissist – will ever be enough. Stop seeking fairness, closure, or recognition from someone incapable of giving it.

Cutting these expectation cords may leave you feeling unmoored and disoriented at first. After years of centering someone else’s needs, you may not know what you want. But this shift is essential to pull you out of the bog – mentally, spiritually, emotionally – and back to solid ground – back to yourself.

2. GROW YOURSELF

I remember shrinking whenever someone complimented me. Any attention on me would trigger the narcissist’s anger, so I learned to dim my light just to keep the peace.

But here’s the truth: You cannot fully live while making yourself small. Life is about expansion, not contraction.

Ask yourself:

• Who am I when I’m not defined by this relationship?
• What truly lights me up?
• What feeds my soul?

If you’re struggling to answer, take a more radical approach: 

If today were your last day on earth, how would you spend it? The answer will point you toward what truly matters.

And then comes the most important step : action. Growth doesn’t happen in your head. It happens when you do.

So, what’s your next move? Apply for that job? Learn a new skill? Sign up for that workshop? Raise your hand and ask for help to get out of this bog? Whatever it is – start.

Because the only way out of the blur is to step into your own light.

3. CHOOSE YOUR TRIBE

And that’s the clincher: We don’t rise because of the people who try to break us. We rise because of the love that lifts us.

At the end of the day, healing isn’t about changing the narcissist.
It’s about shifting your focus inward, rediscovering who you are, and reclaiming the space you deserve in your own life. Think of yourself as a tree in a dense forest. You’ve spent years bending and shrinking in someone else’s shadow, but trees are meant to stretch toward the sky. Your roots run deep, anchoring you in strength, while your branches reach outward, unapologetically claiming space.

You are not here to shrink.

You are here to rise – rooted in your truth, reaching for your own sky.
So step forward. Turn the lens back on yourself. Surround yourself with people who remind you of your worth. And most importantly – choose yourself, every single time.

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